Answers from Franklin Dadberg, Vol. 3

It’s likely clean, there will be things to distract your kids, and if you need an extra headlamp or a snowshoe pole you are in luck.

File Under: Advice

Franklin Dadberg is a father of children… how many? We’re not exactly sure, and we don’t ask. What we do know for sure is that we can all learn from his profound and thoughtful insights. Here now is the third volume of great advice from Franklin Dadberg.

What do I do if I need to go to the bathroom (a sit-down type) when I’m on my own with my kids in public? My kids are young. The oldest is three. My options are Starbucks, Target, and REI. Please help. Quickly.

snowshoe polesA sit down type – what the fuck does that mean? You have to take a dump?

Of these, REI is certainly the best option. It’s likely clean, there will be things to distract your kids (even your three-year-old), and if you need an extra headlamp or a snowshoe pole you are in luck.

[Editor’s note — What’s a “snowshoe pole”? Sounds Nordic.]

My wife and I want to start taking our kids to services at our synagogue. Not all the time, but occasionally. We’re nervous that they will be out of control, loud, annoying to other congregants, and the rabbi will be hatin’. Can we bring goldfish crackers and cheerios into the synagogue to keep them occupied? Any other suggestions?

I’d encourage you to bring a fucking drumstick and a plate of jalapeño poppers. At this point synagogues should just be happy anyone under the age of 65 even shows up. Sit in the back. Yes, bring some snacks and activities. Promise something good for your shorties for the end of services and try to enjoy. If your kids go crazy, point at your wife and say, “Her idea.”

And don’t worry about the rabbi. Chances are she has loud kids, too.

If my kid doesn’t finish his grilled cheese it becomes mandatory for me to finish it. Right?

I’m a vegan.

Franklin Dadberg

Franklin Dadberg

Franklin Dadberg is a father of children… how many? We’re not exactly sure. What we do know for sure is that we can all learn from his profound and thoughtful insights and wisdom.